The power of Forgiveness

It would not make sense to me if you told me that there is no one on earth, in your entire life, who hasn’t hurt you in one way or another. Whether it was a family member, a stranger, a friend, an ex-husband, or an ex-partner — at some point, someone has caused you pain.

I am not here to emphasise the mistakes, the sins, or the wrongs that were done to you — whether they were done knowingly or unknowingly, with evil intentions or by mistake. The focal point is this: the damage is done. The person who wronged you cannot take it back.

However, you have full control over how you respond to the person who hurt you and caused you deep pain.

Let me start by saying this: healing begins with forgiveness.

Psychological research consistently shows that unforgiveness keeps the body in a prolonged stress response. When we hold onto resentment, our nervous system can remain activated in fight-or-flight mode, increasing stress hormones such as cortisol, which over time impacts both mental and physical health (Worthington & Scherer, 2004). Studies in positive psychology also demonstrate that forgiveness is associated with lower anxiety, reduced depression, improved cardiovascular health, and greater overall wellbeing (Toussaint, Worthington, & Williams, 2015). In other words, forgiveness is not just spiritual — it is psychological and biological.

If you choose to withhold forgiveness and operate in unforgiveness because you believe that person does not deserve it, then you are essentially saying to yourself, “I want to remain bitter, angry, and hurt.” And when you do wrong to others, they may choose not to forgive you either. That is simply a principle of life — you reap what you sow.

This is not about blaming people, pointing fingers, or saying, “If it were me, I could never do that. How could they do that to me?” Because when we dwell there, we allow unforgiveness to take deeper root in our hearts. Spiritually, that creates bondage. Psychologically, it reinforces a victim mindset and entrenches maladaptive emotional patterns that keep us stuck in cycles of pain (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2015).

Let me give you an example to help you understand how forgiveness works.

Imagine you grew up with a father and witnessed him cheating on your mother. Now as a daughter, that can deeply damage you and cause significant pain and trauma. Attachment theory explains that early relationships with primary caregivers shape how we experience love, safety, and trust in adulthood (Bowlby, 1969/1982). A father is often a daughter’s first representation of masculine love, protection, and security. When that image is fractured, it can contribute to insecure attachment styles — such as anxious or avoidant attachment — which may later influence partner selection and relationship patterns (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).

Because of your father’s actions, you may have later chosen the wrong man — someone who did the same thing to you. Not because you desired pain, but because psychologically, individuals are often drawn to relational dynamics that feel familiar, even if they are unhealthy. This repetition of relational patterns is sometimes referred to as “repetition compulsion” in psychodynamic theory (Freud, 1920/1955).

Then one day, you wake up and realise you are operating from a place of woundedness. You recognise that you never truly received proper love from your father. You did not grow up with a faithful example of love, and therefore you struggled to feel safe, secure, and valued enough to choose healthy love.

What do you do then? Do you remain bitter toward the father who brought you into this world? Of course not.

It may take time to come to terms with the reality that you must forgive him in order to heal. There may be reflection, tears, and deep disappointment. But eventually, you learn to forgive so that you can heal. From a psychological perspective, forgiveness does not mean excusing harmful behaviour — it means intentionally releasing resentment and the desire for revenge, allowing emotional freedom (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2015). Research shows that this process can significantly reduce symptoms of trauma, anger, and depression (Reed & Enright, 2006).

You may even begin to pray for your father as you forgive him, desiring that he too may heal. Because hurt people hurt people — and psychology agrees that unresolved trauma can be transmitted across generations unless someone consciously chooses to break the cycle (Van der Kolk, 2014).

Why use this example?

Because some wounds cut deeper than others. The wounds inflicted by those closest to us often take longer to heal. When outsiders hurt us, it may sting, but we tend to move on more quickly. When it is family, it is different. Family bonds are meant to be the strongest. When something fractures within them, it can feel as though it may never be the same again.

Forgiveness carries tremendous power. Not only can it heal you as you forgive others, but it can also impact those you forgive. When you choose to keep your heart pure and pray for them, you create space for healing — for yourself and for them — and for them to encounter the saving grace of Jesus Christ.

Forgiveness is not weakness. It is emotional maturity. It is spiritual obedience. And both faith and psychology agree — it is one of the most powerful pathways to true healing because the bible says in Ephesians 4:32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Lastly, just remember: simply because your story unfolded a certain way — in how you grew up, in your past, or through whatever unpleasant experiences you witnessed — it does not determine the greatness of your destiny ahead. Your past may have shaped you, but it does not mean it will continue the same way because God writes beautiful stories. This time, it will be different because you chose to forgive and move on.